I know what you're thinking. Because I thought the same thing. Over & over. But, let me preface this post with a little info on where our McCall, Idaho journey began.
A few months before we got pregnant with Kess, Matt got the job as an administrative fellow. The fellowship was meant to groom him to be an administrator at St. Luke's some day. It was a 2 year program & we thought, "Well, it can't be harder than the 2 year MBA program we just finished." Ohhh, but it was. It was tons of hours & stress on Matt. We knew it would be worth it... eventually. Two months after Kess was born Matt got the opportunity to work on a project at the St. Luke's facility in McCall. He would need to be up there quite a bit, so we decided that Kess & I should go up there, too.
We moved up in September of 2014. I didn't realize how hard it would be to be up there, all while traveling back to Nampa every few weeks so I could continue my job as a Cosmetologist. I had a clientele to maintain & I had to maintain it while traveling with a 2-7 month old. It was a lot of work, but we knew it was temporary. The project was supposed to take 3 months... it took 5. Then Matt was encouraged to apply for a job at the McCall hospital. He would have to wrap up his fellowship early (which was fine by us). It was a pretty rigorous process. Lots of interviews, nerves & waiting... making our total time up there 6 months. In February we found out that he didn't get the job. It was pretty heartbreaking. We had found a home that we liked & that was surprising in our teeny budget. I was nervous to move up there full time, but I was also incredibly anxious to settle back into normal life - wherever it may be. I don't handle ambiguity well (Like, at all).
We moved home to Nampa at the very end of February 2014. We were both ready to move on, get settled back into life and get Kess sleep-trained. We planned on finishing out Matt's fellowship & prayed it would end in a job offer. We were super blessed because about 1 month after moving home & with 6 months left in the fellowship - Matt got a job offer. A really good one. We cried tears of joy and relief when we heard the offer. We accepted instantly & felt like our stint in McCall really paid off, plus we got to stay close to family!
Fast forward to a year and a half & the person that got the McCall job quit. We found out about it when we were a few weeks away from our new home being completed. I all but blew it off in the beginning. We kinda, sorta prayed to make the right decision, but I basically refused to think about it. We just built our dream home for heavens sake... something we NEVER imagined doing before 40, let alone before 30. We were beyond humbled to be able to create a life for our family in a new home that we built to cater to our needs. We moved in - fell even more in love with our home & then the job opened up for applicants. We knew we needed to at least consider it. I instantly felt that we didn't belong there. We belonged at HOME, with our family, in our new home, with plenty of room for Matt to grow in his career here in the valley. I honestly wasn't sure if that was my answer or if my negative outlook was getting in the way. Then Matt told me his thoughts...
We were out to pizza, because I was having a crummy early pregnancy day & didn't want to cook. We sat in the back corner booth, trying to get Kess to eat pizza. Matt said, "Can we talk about McCall?" He then told me that we felt like he needed to apply. Something in his chest was pushing him towards that job. He would regret not applying. We both teared up because we knew exactly what that meant for our family. We decided to go to the temple. Of course, the closest temple to us was closed for maintenance. So we arranged for Matt's mom to watch Kess that Saturday and off to Twin Falls we drove. We sat in the temple for over an hour after the session. We prayed, cried, prayed, talked, cried some more. Seriously, we cried so much that one of the attendants brought us tissues. We were pathetically confused, tired and emotionally drained. Matt finally asked, "What do you think?" I said, "We need to go." I don't know why I even said that. It just came out of my mouth. At the time we were just questioning if we should apply or not. We decided to apply.
I've had more than a few break downs about applying for the job. For those who don't know me well, I'm a super emotional person. Not like Ashley I. on the Bachelor emotional, but I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't make tough decisions well for fear of making the wrong one. I get anxious very easily & carry that weight around a lot. I remember bawling to Matt on the phone while he was away asking, "Why now? Why not 2 years ago when we really needed a job, when we really needed the money? When we had a 6 month old, not a 2.5 year old. Why now that I'm in the throws of pregnancy? Why after we accomplished so much here in Nampa? Why? We are settled and really happy!"
We have a few answers to those questions now, but not to all of them. We waited for what felt like an eternity after Matt had back to back interviews... we finally heard. He got the job. I knew he would. That's probably why I was so scared in the first place. Applying didn't make it a possibility - it made the move a reality. Matt told them he would have an official answer for them in a few days. We talked, cried and prayed more than we did before. For some reason we both felt nervous about accepting it. Matt felt nervous because I was nervous. I felt nervous because all of the sudden Matt seemed nervous!
After a few days - we decided to accept the job. We just knew that we would regret not going. We both felt better now that we had decided on a future, but I still felt anxious. I still do. It's scary to move away from family & everything I know. I'm grateful for our few months in McCall, because it truly has made it easier to process. We understand the parts of town better, we know which grocery store we like, which pizza place we like (most important, obviously), where the post office is, etc.
We put our house up for sale this week, so I've been thinking about why it's so hard to let go of a house. It's just a house, right? Matt & I both try to not focus on worldly things, but to us - the house wasn't a possession. We worked so dang hard for this home, we poured over numbers to make sure we were making the right choice for our family; to make sure we were staying financially sound as we built it...it was an accomplishment. I have been thinking about why I'm so sad to let it go & it's because I didn't get to do the things I wanted to in it. I won't get to finish Kess' big girl room. I won't get to even start baby boy's nursery, let alone bring him home to this house. I didn't get to finish some details in my salon. We don't get to watch Kess play outside next summer, or build her a swing set. It's those little things that I'm having a hard time letting go of & envisioning in another home. I'm sad to leave my job & clientele, because quite frankly I love working from home, I love bringing in extra money, I love not having to feel super guilty for buying a little more expensive baby gear because I can cover it. It's hard to let that part of myself go; the part that I dreamed about for so long. But, we knew I would cut back on hours once I had baby boy, so it's nothing too shocking, just happening a little faster than we planned.
The choice to leave our comfort zone was hard. Honestly, it's still hard. I know we are making the right choice for Matt's career & for our family. I felt that in my chest, I know I could never deny my husband something he dreams about or has worked so hard for. I know that we will be blessed, guided and humbled by following Heavenly Father's plan for us. But I'm also incredibly nervous to have no family around (something I've never experienced), to be cooped up in the house with 2 small kids while we wait out the long winter, to not have somewhere to go or a place (Target) to wander around in while Matt works late, to have to travel home for any holiday or event that we don't want to miss out on, not to being able to meet my mom or my sister for lunch, or invite myself over to their houses for dinner. To have to create a new life, to find new friends, new confidants - it all seems pretty daunting. I know that Matt & I will rely on each other (more me rely on him, probably) because we did when we were in McCall 2 years ago. As hard as this decision has been - I finally feel like I can see the light. Our house is up for sale, our cars are up for sale and we have a little home to rent for a while up in McCall. We are getting ready for this little journey of ours. We are excited to make new friends, to dedicate ourselves to the church up there, to build a new little life up there. I feel like I've had time to soak all of this in, to imagine a life up there again. Matt and I talk about some fun weekends we want to plan, or things we want to teach Kess. This is a true blessing for our family. I'm determined to build a great life in McCall, to be positive through the transition, to look for new things for Kess & I to try. I'm excited to welcome our sweet baby boy into the world up there and to watch Matt flourish in a job that he is beyond excited about. Sometimes we get presented with hard decisions in life. But we trust in our Heavenly Father, he helped us make this decision. We know it. It feels right. We are ready.
Thank you all for your well wishes, congratulations & love. It means more than you know.
Kaisermans in McCall 2014
